Aaaaand I have no one here.
I also haven’t used this tumblr in….2 years?
Anything that I could’ve mattered to you,
Washed away in that rain.
That doesn’t seem to matter anymore.
Cuz when it pains, it roars.
You lied to me, left me in the ground.
Nothing ever mattered when you were around.
I’ve ground my teeth to the bone,
But it’s never felt so freeing to be alone.
It’s nights like this when the weather gets cold, and I start to feel it & I know I’ll explode.
And I’ll burst, I’ll burn away all I know
You’re staring up at me with those big, bright green eyes,Asking me to tell no more, no more lies,
Little did I know that you were lying, laying next to me,
So now I’m lying to myself.
You’re keeping secrets with your cards, close to your chest
My queen of hearts is missing, and I don’t know what that means yet
I lay them down, right there besides what’s left of you
And now I realize there’s two things I can do.
I’ve walked this road a million times alone,
Losing hope, losing sleep, everything that was me.
Don’t try to hold me back, because tonight I’m drowning myself
In whiskey smoke and defeat
It’s a sad walk home from the corner bar,
Longest walk I’ve had, since I’m dragging my feet.
I’m in bed with you, but you’re somewhere else.
And when my eyes close I wish someone would drag me back to hell.
Time is all that we have, to live is to succumb and fall away.
We are easily broken, and oh so hard to repair.
Do you believe you matter? Like angels watch over you?
It’s just pride of man, the fear of being alone.
That nagging feeling inside, to end your life in a crash of flames,
That’s just your mortality coming clear, and now you’re champing at the bit
We’re all tumbling souls, with a backwards way of life,
Music filling our ears, and hopes propelling us forward.
And though we’re scared to look down, we refuse to stop moving forward, to check what we left behind, and not bothering to plan the next step.
We leave our homes, with what we think we filled with bad apples. We walk away on our nests, when we feel we’ve outgrown them.
And on feet we’ve broken on our own, we walk into the unknown. We apologize to our friends, and our families kiss us goodbye. We try to make amends, reconcile our difference, and tie up all these loose ends. A nice little package, we hope everyone can understand. But in the end, we still fucking left. We still let THEM go. We still walked away on all we’ve known.
Goodbyes are forever, no matter how long you’re gone. 20 seconds, or 20 years. Whether you left your wallet, or lost at sea, you still come back different, changed, broken, whole or whatever it is that life throws at us. So “I’ll be back before you know it” truly means just that. The second we walk out that door, we start forgetting, bit by a bit. A lovers perfume, a best friend’s smile, or the simple pressure of a handshake. It’s swallowed in obscurity, the dark recesses of our minds. And yeah, we might come back. Hell, we might never leave again. But that memory, that moment, will never stay fully intact. The second, you close that door, it’s a chapter of your life. It’s a story that you could have told, but have chosen to change.
A different city, a different lifestyle. You might tolerate it, you might even like it, but it’ll never be home. No matter how hard you try, you won’t memorize the streets as easy as you could when you were a kid. The wind will feel different, the breeze breathing a feeling you can’t quite put a finger on, but you know it’s there. Nagging. Probing. Begging you to remember. Promises you wanted to keep. People you swore you’d never forget. Just like the tattoos you’ve hidden on your body, you’ve covered it up. You’ve changed, no matter how much you’re willing to admit it.
And that leaves me where I am. Here. Watching & waiting. Because that nagging, it’s me. That small voice inside your head saying come home? Me again. Because that second you shut your eyes, and slow that forward motion, I will wrap my arms around you and pull you back. And everything will be erased. Your beliefs, your memories, your actions. Because the past never dies.
The banging door, the acrid smell of smoke.
I’ve lived here for years and the lock finally broke.
The screen door slamming, screaming, for the rain
The fireplace burning, embodying your pain.
But I feel nothing, not sadness nor regret,
It all seems hopeless when you’re best friends are all dead.
I pray at night, wishing for your ghosts.
I felt like I died that night, and it’s getting harder to cope.
Cigarettes only hold off the memory so long, my pens on paper
Ink like blood, writing the words to this song.
You might not remember, but how can I forget?
The day you walked away, you said this wasn’t forever.
But I never saw you again.
So farewell my friend
I wish you well.